I had to remind myself that very early on in the year, I wrote about my word of the year being “focus”.  Focus on what I am here on this earth to contribute.  Focus on what I love and what I want to share with the people I love.

In April I went to the ASCAP Songwriter’s Expo.  I was a little overwhelmed, a little under-prepared, and a whole lot inspired.

I had also been hanging on to a job where I was undervalued, overworked, and beat down day after day to the point where I was doubting my abilities to do the things I had done to much praise for over a decade.

The Songwriter’s Expo ended on April 20th.  I had heard Katy Perry, Neyo, Stargate, Ledisi, Jill Scott, Mike Posner, and countless other songwriters tell their stories.  I heard how Katy Perry was living on $20 a week.  I heard how Jill Scott is a fan of all things she feels and Ledisi encouraged us to pay attention to living and draw all inspiration from the life that surrounds you.  I heard from Chris Brown’s manager what an amazingly hard worker he is, and how a star just lights up the room when they walk in with a presence you can’t define.  I heard Neyo play a song that he felt help define him as a songwriter, and then someone from the actual songwriting team stood up in the audience and the two had a connection over a feeling and an emotion recorded almost thirty years ago.

I put in my two weeks at my job on April 24th.  It was time to really focus.  To find a job that paid the bills, but allowed me the time and the creativity to be who I am supposed to be.

On May 6th I made myself goals.  They start out small, but they are very specific and they are a plan to get myself on track to my best future.

I am proud to say that this Tuesday I played in my first open mic all by myself.  I played my guitar and sang two songs – one cover and one that I wrote.  And it wasn’t perfect, but it was an important step in the right direction.  It was an huge confidence booster for me, because ever since leaving college I have had a lot of negative experiences in the music world.  I learned that the level of my guitar playing wasn’t really important.  I felt full again just because I was writing and performing songs that I wrote.  I was telling my story.

I still have until August 6th to really feel comfortable playing my 2 song open mic set alone, but this Tuesday (2 months ahead of goal completion time…) felt really good.

I guess I just wanted everyone to know that although my writing right now may usually be more private than the typical blog posts, I am writing.  I am focused.  And most of all, I am really, really happy to be doing what I love to do.

In case you didn’t see my tweet after I got offstage that night…

happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy

— Kelly Mathews (@TheKeyofKels) June 12, 2013

I’ll keep you posted

xoxo

Today is technically his birthday, but he has to work tonight .  So we celebrated yesterday, which was perfect because it was…

ROLLING STONES DAY!!!!

Yes, we spent entirely too much money on nosebleed seats to see “The Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the World”.  At one point while I was trying to buy them, two $500 seats came up to purchase.  If we had not both just left our jobs and started new ones, I maybe would have sprung the extra.  But, practicing my sanity, I gave up the lower deck and kept trying for something more affordable.

Anyway.  I woke Brad up with a little bit of a scavenger hunt yesterday morning.  The final clue led him to a birthday bag that contained this amazing book…

Yes, I picked the most ridiculous looking book on purpose.  And then I filled it with a “choose your own adventure” for the whole day.  Starting with coffee…

And then leading to a search for the perfect Rolling Stones outfit.  I gave him three addresses and $30.  And we were off to West Hollywood!

Where I very quickly found the most amazing jacket ever at Jet Rag.

But Brad was a little more picky about what he chose… We walked around Melrose for a while, ducking into fun little shops and finding the most amazing Strawberry Balsamic ice cream.

He tried on fur coats

And army inspired shirts with our friends’ names on them.

And then, just when Brad was about to double back for a shirt he wasn’t really in LOVE with, he found the perfect combo…

We went home and got ready, and then he chose the dinner adventure involving chicken gizzards, veal tartar, and grilled lamb’s heart (of course).

Bestia was awesome.  We got a couple of seats right up at the charcuterie counter, where Brad quickly made friends with the guys on the line.  We only got a few things (chicken livers and lamb hearts included….), but they were all really fabulous.

I can’t wait to go back and try some of the more tame options.  Like, you know, pasta and pizza?

And then, we were off.  Rolling Stones, watch out.

A truly incredible concert experience.  Mick Jagger prancing around onstage.  Keith’s infamous riffs.  Ronnie Wood and Charlie both just killing it.

And then, when it was all over we headed back to the car.  Among all of the people filing out of the ginormous arena, we crossed the street with a crew of people also ignoring the red light.

“Hey look, that’s Slash.”

I laughed.  No way.  There’s a lot of crazy looking people here.

“No really,” Brad pointed.  “That’s Slash.”

As we walked to our car – awkwardly next to this guy with crazy curly hair and a silly hat – I realized that yea, it really was Slash.

No big deal.

I love you to pieces, Brad.  I hope you had the happiest Day-Before Birthday/Rolling Stones day EVER!

xoxo

Girl is awesome.  What’s not to be obsessed with?

So when “The Great Gatsby” Soundtrack came out this week, I was all over it.  I had been listening to everything Interscope was leaking on their Soundcoud.  It already reminded me of the feeling the soundtrack to “Romeo + Juliet” gave me back in 1996.

1996?!?  Holy crap.  That was seventeen years ago.  Look at pictures of Leo then!  He’s such a baby!!  And Claire Danes!  She’s my favorite insane CIA agent now!!

Back to 2013…

Great Gatsby Soundtrack?  Amazing.  And although Beyonce and Andre 3000′s version of Back to Black is a trippy, but cool new take on the original, I’m really drawn to the other Beyonce tune.

Emeli Sande and The Bryan Ferry Orchestra do an amazing 20′s inspired version of “Crazy in Love”.

Every time I hear it, I start dancing around in made up flapper moves.  And Brad laughs at me.  But I just can’t help it.  Try not to dance to this song!

If you haven’t heard of Emeli Sande before, check out her first album “Our Version of Events”.  I’ve been comparing her to Beyonce ever since I heard her.  Her voice is amazing, her style is funky, and her hair is – well – just awesome.

The rest of the Gatsby Soundtrack?  Love it.  Will.i.am kills it on “Bang Bang”, and even Fergie has a pretty rockin’ song with Q-Tip and GoonRock in “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody”.  Jack White covers U2′s “Love Is Blindness” and Coco O, Sia, and The xx all bring their A-game.

The “Romeo + Juliet” soundtrack CD of 1996 didn’t leave my boom box for months and months and months.  And now the 1920s jazz mixed with dance and hip hop of “The Great Gatsby” has serious potential to do the same.

Well, in mp3 form.  It won’t be leaving my Spotify playlists for a while?  1996 wouldn’t get that at all.

xoxo

I also found a poem I wrote last year while sitting on the beach in Miami and watching the sun rise after a red eye flight.  I don’t know if I meant it as a poem at the time or just random thoughts, but it took me back to the exact feeling of that morning. Groggy and getting rained on, but still in awe of the beauty of the world.

Peace

Heavy, humid silence

Flickering, brilliant sea

Salty clouds break beams of light

The world waits, awakens

There are so many places to see, to travel, to appreciate

I welcome the rain

I let it hit, tiny smacks

It water logs my words, my ink

blurring into a dream

This is magic

xoxo

It’s hard to say seven years. How could it possibly be seven years? I still remember every tiny detail about that day. Right down to the woman who walked by with her shaggy white dog as I was crying on a bench by the lake as the sun rose through the fog around me. My world would absolutely never be the same.

Karey’s death was really hard for me to deal with for a long time. I hid from it for a while, which was easy to do living so far away from home. No one in Orlando knew her. No one knew what I had lost. If I put on a happy face, no one knew I was grieving.

But the pain and the sadness would come up at unexpected times. Like when my brother asked Karey’s brother, Mike, to be his best man. I found out while I was working the bar, and I just automatically erupted in tears. At the time, I didn’t ever think I would get married, but now Karey could never be my maid of honor.

I would drive home from work and a song would come on the radio. I would have to pull over until I could see the road through my tears again. I would be reminded of something from our childhood and go to send her a happy text that she would never get to reply to.

I felt very alone in my sadness for a long time, trying to cover it up and be the same happy party girl I was before. I was enormously lucky to find Brad, who listened and asked questions. He let me cry. He let me hysterically cry. He even stayed when I locked myself in my bathroom one night. But then he just kept on loving me. To this day, he still lets me cry when I need to. He still listens and he still asks questions.

It will always be incredibly sad and unfair that a girl with such light and love for the world was only allowed to experience so little of it. No one will ever be able to justify her being taken from us so young. But if I’ve found any acceptance, it’s that there is never going to be that justification. That we need to play the cards that we are dealt and just keep on living. We need to love each other and remember every bit about her and share our stories with each other and be there to support each other when we need to cry. But we don’t have to live in the sadness. We need to find a way I celebrate the life.

I wrote a song right after Karey died called “A Moment”. It was about wishing I had that last second with her to just tell her that I loved her one more time and to make sure she knew how much she meant to me. The song came out of holding on and wishing for something that I knew could never be.

Over the past seven years, I have had a lot of dreams about Karey. Most of the time I wake up and really, truly feel like I’ve just spent time with my best friend. We talk like nothing has changed. She hasn’t missed a beat. Family and friends are there. She’s happy. She looks beautiful.

It’s an amazing feeling to wake up with.

I absolutely believe this is Karey’s way of staying with me. So a few months ago, I was inspired to write a sequel to “A Moment” after I had dream about us just hanging out on her parent’s porch as the sun set. I was no longer holding on to the impossible. I had accepted a new way of having Karey in my life.

I look forward to those nights where she just pops in to say hello for a little while. Sometimes I even forget that I dreamt about her until days later, and when I remember it makes me smile. I hold all of my memories with her so precious, and if I can only see her in my dreams, I will cherish those as well.

So I hope you enjoy another Kelly Mathews original. This one’s called “In My Dreams”.

xoxo

kms 8.2.85 – 4.29.06

Then the song “I Know Places” came on.  I’ll admit, I was first attracted to it because of its very simple chord progressions.  I could definitely play that.

But the message of the song is also beautiful.  It is for anyone who’s world is crumbling.  It’s not the end.  There are always, always places we can go.

Hope you like!

xoxo

Not only did her post make me breathe a sigh of relief that even a blogger I really admire feels this way, I started to reevaluate the way that I take in all of the posts I see every day.  I re-read my First Rate Version of Myself post and realized that comparing myself to the successes of others was not only silly, but it was happening without opening my eyes the whole picture.  My friends with great jobs and big houses and new babies were having their own hard times, too.

We all have our own stories.  Our own versions of ups and downs.

Following through with my upswing of positivity, I thought it would be nice to show you guys a little bit of my hard work on the way back to music.  I am working on learning all of my songs on guitar so I can go out and perform them at open mics all on my own.  And I’m not a great (or even good) guitarist, but these songs are from my heart and from my soul.

So here’s a little bit of the behind the scenes, un-edited me.  I screw up a few times.  I struggle to find the chords a few times.  But I’m doing what I love to do and I hope it shows.

xoxo

No, this is a productive couch evening.

Photoshop is open, Spotify Radio is on, I have a notepad and an iPad next to me, candles are lit and I just made myself a cup of tea.

But while I am editing down the hundreds of pictures that I haven’t shared yet, I wanted to share with you a little gem I found this morning.

A few weeks ago, I found this little app on Spotify called we are hunted from one of my sister’s super cool friend’s Spotify feed.  She was listening to all of this music I’d never heard of before, and I’m a junky for new music so I went to check it out.

Basically, its an app to feed the new music junky in me.

Not only does it have lists and lists of new, emerging artists, but it will also create you an instant playlist based on an artist you already like.

How is this different from Spotify’s Radio Stations or Pandora, you say?

Well, the playlist they create for you is full of artists that you haven’t heard before.  And if you have heard of a few of them, you’re probably just really cool and have great taste in indy music.  So pat yourself on the back and go on to the next song, which now that you’ve heard will instantly give you even more street cred.

So back to this morning…  I created an Instant Playlist based on Feist.  And a few songs in, I came across Hannah Georgas.

Hannah Georgas is an up and coming Canadian artist, who was just what I was looking for.  Her self titled latest album had definite indy rock influence, but laced with electronic sounds.  The 80s synth comes through without being electronica.

If you want to dance this weekend until the cops come…

And then something about this song seemed like it was a good follow up to yesterday’s post… “I get so hard on myself…”

Even her first album, which is a totally different vibe, hooked me.  And this video looks like a creepy/amazing 90s sleepover I probably went to.

Until the end.  I never broke it down like that in the 90s.

xoxo

But that’s just it.  All the crappy stuff.  All that crappy stuff takes up a lot of time and energy.  So in those times that I’d usually sit down and edit photos and share my stories, I was napping or Craigslist-ing or just taking some me time.

In all of the reflection over all of the changes the past few weeks, I’m doing my best to stay sunny.  I’m settling into an evolving definition of “self” and trying to really pin down which path is right for me to take next.

But with the self reflection for me comes self doubt, so I’m also working on staying true to myself and my dreams and goals.  My career won’t be one that evolves in an office or with a 401K and benefits.  But a lot of the people that I admire and who inspire me didn’t have that kind of career, either.  The professional life that I want doesn’t have boundaries or walls or  a retirement plan.  (Sorry Dad… Maybe I’ll start saving when I’m 30?)

So I found this Judy Garland quote today while sifting through some old links, and I thought it was very fitting.

In the times that I look at my successful friends and other people my age who got their break what seems like so many years ago, I have to remind myself that all of our stories are still being written.  And the first rate version of myself will always be better than an attempt at the recreation of someone else’s success.

I can’t try and fit myself into someone else’s shoes.  And I can’t compare my life and my successes to those of other people.  Brad often reminds me of how awesome our journey is, even if it is turning out different than our expectations.  We are creating a lifetime of memories and experiences.

One awesome adventure at a time.  Thanks for sticking around for it.  :)

xoxo

Except for Thursday night, when I decided to go to my first concert solo.  I was a little worried I’d be the weird girl by herself in the back, but in a dark crowd of people, no one really cares who you’re there with.  It’s all about the band – who were a little more rocking than I expected, but still great.

We also had a tiny houseguest this weekend – our old neighbor’s dog, Indiana Bones.  Gibson and Indy are great friends, so I think they had a fun puppy sleepover.  They sure did make me look like an idiot when I walked them together.  The whole experience gave me a supreme appreciation for people who have two dogs.  Especially one male and one female.  There was a lot of humping going on that I wasn’t really sure I was comfortable with…

But in a quieter moment, here is Gibson showing Indy how to beg for food while I am preparing Brad’s celebratory “New Beginnings” dinner after his last shift at T&R.  Such a valuable skill in our kitchen.

I wanted his celebratory dinner to be something special, but I was kind of exhausted from puppy policing.  So I kept it semi-simple.  I made crab cakes for when he got home at 2AM, and bought some delicious Brioche buns for sandwiches.  I really don’t think there is much better than a crab cake sandwich.  Especially at 2AM.

Brad ate three.  I think I was successful.

I also bought myself a whole lot of new teas this weekend.  I have been drinking a lot more tea for two reasons. #1 – I’m always cold.  When will it be summer??  #2 – Yogi Teas have these cute little sayings on every tea bag.  It’s like a fortune cookie with each cup.

Do I like the taste of tea?  No, not really.  I’m experimenting with flavors, and I’ll drink a whole cup or three, but I don’t like it.  It’s just warm, kind of flavored water.  Doesn’t that sound gross?

I do however like fortunes and inspirational sayings attached to my beverage of choice.

Therefore, I am now a flavored warm water drinker.

The weekend was also spent practicing and practicing and practicing some more.  If you’ve noticed, I’ve revived my Facebook music Page (if you want to go be a fan …), and I’m really working hard at getting my act together.  First open mic next Sunday night!!

I’ve also been writing some new material, so hopefully I’ll have a few new songs for you to listen to really soon.

You can’t really tell from this picture, but my fingertips were super swollen.  I keep playing until I absolutely can’t play anymore.  It feels kind of badass.

And kind of painful.  But in a badass way.

Then, of course, Brad came home and played through all of the music I’d been struggling with all day in about fifteen minutes.

I tried to convince him to drop the cooking thing and start a husband/wife band with me.  We’d travel around in an RV and play in sketchy bars and meet crazy people and see the world!

The Mathews!  On tour!

I’m still working on that one…

We also ate some delicious food…  Like the amazing Garlic Knot at Milo & Olive.

And this delicious pork jowel from Manhattan Beach Post, which is on Brad’s list of potential new employers.  Our meal was fantastic.  I give this one two big thumbs up.

To top things off, I made some delicious blueberry pancakes while Brad introduced his father to the world of FaceTime on Sunday morning.

Finally, the puppies were tired.  I celebrated.Sigh.  Such a peaceful sight.

Hope you all are having a wonderful and warm Monday!  Here’s to an eventful and exciting week ahead!

xoxo