Monthly Archives: September 2015

Feeling Loved

Posted on by

2

IMG_2859

I actually felt the need to text my mom yesterday to tell her I was ok.

I figured she already knew, since we had just gotten off FaceTime hours before I posted Wander. None of what I wrote on Thursday was a surprise to her. She’s been along every step of the way, hearing my disappointments and coaching me on how to approach helping all of the many others in need in my life without losing my mind. But I got a response from my post that made me realize what I was talking about was much more serious than I intended it to be.

I had just sat down to write because I felt I needed to write. Because this blog is something I am proud of and something I love to do, and I just freaking missed doing it. And I thought I’d get the biggest story off my chest first. I thought I’d address the monkey in the room before moving on to anything else. This year has been a struggle for myself and for so many other people I know. But I thought I’d written about it in a way that everyone understood that I am ok and I am healing and I am still heading in the right direction.

I was completely floored by the outpouring of love and support I woke up to Friday morning. Even some of those people who I talked about respecting and not feeling up to their standards – even some of those people reached out to me yesterday. I heard from old friends, people I haven’t seen since middle school, high school mentors, people I didn’t even know. It was overwhelming in the warmest way possible.

Everyone’s message was clear. Everybody goes through hard times. Everybody wonders if what they are doing is enough. If what they’re making is enough. If they’re living up to the expectations of the people who they admire and respect and want to make proud. If they’re living up to what they’re worth. If they’re proud themselves, of where they are and of where they are going.

I heard support from all angles for talking about mental health. Even more of my friends came out and told me they had suffered from anxiety, and assured me that I would find my own way to deal with and conquer it. I was once again reassured that I was not crazy, I was not alone, and I have met some of the greatest people the planet has to offer.

All the love, concern, and support made me feel like I needed to show the other side of my story. The awesome things I have done in 2015. Because there has been a lot of that, too. A hell of a lot of that. Through tears and anxiety and breathing into dirty paper pastry bags, there has been a lot of gold.

For instance – I celebrated my 31st birthday with a Brad & Kels staycation at the Ace Hotel in downtown LA. We felt very fancy. We had a terrace and I drank room service champagne. It was a grand, grand time.

IMG_0196

I got a tomato tattoo!! It still catches me off guard from time to time and I am still so in love with it. (even though everyone thinks it’s a pumpkin)

IMG_0344

Of course, I made lots and lots of blueberry muffins. Because blueberries going bad make me sad and muffins make me happy.

IMG_9469

I guested on my girl Sydney’s podcast – and subsequently got hooked on podcasts of all kinds. I’m actually thinking of starting one… Any suggestions? Would you listen?

IMG_9753

I attempted to curl my hair a few times. These baby curls were gone before my selfie photoshoot was over. Ugh.

IMG_9722

I made a couple of amazing Key Lime Pies for a dear friend’s wedding. And I have to say, I’m pretty damn proud of THAT little curl. (it lasted much longer than it’s photoshoot. apparently I’m better at meringue than hair.)

IMG_0421

I suppose I’m on to the sweets in my life… I participated in farmers’ markets all over Los Angeles with Pop Up Pastries. I checked that off the list of goals for the year in a huge way! Currently, you will find me with pop tarts and pies every Saturday at the Marina Del Rey Market, and some Sundays at Mar Vista.

IMG_2667

I was invited to judge a pie contest in August. Just a FYI, I am free for pie contest-judging every Sunday if anyone ever needs a last minute pie-judge. There’s another life goal to check off the list. This is the best job ever.

IMG_2220

Speaking of pie – I felt creative and made a sweet corn pie with salted whip. It was divine. I bought corn to make another one… Maybe this weekend?

IMG_2274

I helped open a new wine bar and shop, Esters, here in Santa Monica. It is amazing and fun and I am so proud to be part of this wonderful family of restaurants! Come in to see me and drink lots of vino!!

IMG_2647

And of course, we had friends over for dinner every chance we got. Brad is learning how to make arepas. I am learning all the different ways I like to eat arepas. We have a new patio with a new patio table that we sometimes have to use when we have invited over too many people for our tiny kitchen table. It’s pretty much the best back up plan ever.

IMG_2639

So there. Things aren’t that bad. I just remember to breathe. I remember that a year from now, a month from now, maybe just a week from now, I’m going to look back and think – hell yea. I made it through all of that. But the photos I take, the memories I’ll keep, those are from the times where I was smiling.

Those other, harder, stress-ball times? I’ll be happy to kiss those times goodbye.

xoxo

kels

Wander

Posted on by

7

image courtesy of shadetreephotography

It’s been a hell of a year so far.

Lots of… well, heartbreak. I can’t find a better word to describe it. So many people I know and love have been dealing with heartbreak of some kind. Dealing with the end of plans, of ideas, of relationships, of jobs and of career paths. For a year that on January 1st held so many adventures and so much promise, all I can say is that 2015 is really throwing us for a curveball. I know we are all going to make it out alive – and it’s even looking like pretty much everyone will be on more solid ground than they ever were before – but DAMN.

That’s all. Just damn.

As I’m trying to be a great cheerleader and motivator for the people I love who are hurting, I try to absorb a little bit of that spirit for myself. And here, in the 9th month of all this insanity, I think I’ve found a space to just laugh. Just breathe. Just calmly admit that hey – we are stuck with this reality, and then simply take the next step forward to see where it’s going to lead.

Because, really. What else are you going to do?

I spent a few early months of 2015 having crippling panic attacks. You may have been able to guess that from my previous post and how I kind of dropped off the blogosphere. The attacks were brought on for a really stupid reason, but I’m pretty sure they would have found me either way.

During one of these attacks, I sat in a Target parking lot for over an hour until I felt like I could breathe and concentrate enough to get myself home. Another time, I found an old paper bag from a coffee shop with pastry crumbs still in it under my seat. I tossed the crumbs out the window and breathed into the dirty bag until I calmed myself the hell down. I just remember that the bag still smelled like butter and sugar as I was taking in deep breath after deep breath.

I thought I was completely mental. I thought that no normal person had panic attacks. I thought that all these people who I respect and who inspire me? They can control their stress better than this. I thought, I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. I need to be better than this.

And then I learned that, no. I was absolutely wrong.

Family. Friends. Friends of friends. Entrepreneurs. People I had known for years and years. People I just happened to meet at a coffee shop.

Facebook friends were posting about it. Instagrammers were posting about it. It was like a spotlight had been turned on to this thing that I’d never seen before. That I never even knew existed.

Everyone was already talking about it.

And people were talking about it like I had mentioned just hitting my funny bone. My favorite bloggers were writing about their attacks, their doubts, their anxiety. They were telling me that yea, it is fucking hard to set out on your own path and figure things out as you go. Yea, sometimes it feels like you just took this giant leap off of a cliff and all of a sudden you realized “oh shit, I’m heading toward the ground – FAST.”

Sometimes you feel like you have a million things to do. A million people to please. A million bills to pay. You look at your bank account (god help you) and you feel like you are a million dollars short.

But the thing I keep telling myself – the thing that keeps me going – is that I am living this awesome, crazy life. I am figuring it out, day by day. I am going on adventures. I used to say this as a joke, but no, they are bonafide adventures. And I am living in one of the greatest cities in the world. I am working every day to make my life more fufilled, more interesting, more creative, more welcoming, and more kind. I never once wanted that easier path. I knew from day one I would be bored senseless by that. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t wander.

I am lucky that I have found a partner who loves me and wants to wander and learn with me. I am lucky that I have friends who answer the phone when I feel like I cannot breathe. I am lucky that I have a family who steadies me and loves me. I am lucky that I have been given the chance to start over again on a great passion of mine, and help others become successful at it.

2015 may not have turned out to be at all the year I expected it to be. I may not be as succesful as I hoped I would be right now. I may have talents that I haven’t used in months. I may not have the savings account that I wish I did. But I am still standing. I am still smiling. I am still talented and I am still strong. None of that is lost.

Not all those who wander are lost.

xoxo

kelly