IMG_8813“Sometimes, you think you have everything all under control.

Sure, there’s a lot to juggle. There are a lot of things to get done. There are to-do lists a mile long. But you’ve got it. You’re not worried.

And then, sometimes, everything goes wrong.

I’m sure you consider yourself an extremely calm person. You’ve worked in the restaurant industry for over a decade – nothing phases you anymore. No problem anyone could throw at you in a typical dinner service is enough of a big deal to get you all worked up. You deal with it. You take one step at a time. Things could be a lot worse. You’ve been through a lot worse.

But some things even trigger the calm ones. Sometimes when you’re doing big, scary, new things -you get overwhelmed. Sometimes you realize you can’t be there for everyone anymore and not be there for yourself. It’s hard for you, but you have to focus on you at these times. You have to  not be there for people you love. And maybe the ways you choose to deal with it aren’t always the best ways.

But, you’re learning. You’ll definitely know better next time.

Until then, just breathe. Just put your head down and do what you have to do to get through until you can simply rest. Lean on the people who love you. Lean on the people who are there to support you. You’ll get them back. You’re good for it. And then when you have the opportunity to, just rest. And rest until you are ok again. Do whatever it takes to get ok again.

No one ever thought starting this journey would be easy. No one ever thought you could just take over the world without a hiccup every now and then. So take this bump in the road. Figure out what it means and what you’ve learned from it. And then get back up, recover, and start driving forward again.

And when your pup crawls up next to you in the morning and pushes you over to be her big spoon, just move over and scratch her behind her ears until you both fall back asleep. Because she doesn’t have the words to tell you how much love she has for you, but she is confident in what you’re starting to know again.

You are great. You are going to be just fine. Plus, you will probably take her on a really great walk once you decide it’s finally time to get out of bed.”

– inner monologue



Let Your Heart Soar

I don’t know what is compelling me to write tonight after being away from this blog for months and months.

I don’t even know where to begin. There have been so many changes, so many obstacles, so many alarms going off being the sun came up and so many new things to learn. There have been huge set backs and golden successes… and there are nights like tonight where I sit back over a bowl of hummus and a glass of wine and I just want to write again.

I started my own pastry business in 2014. I suppose enough people had eaten a crostata or a cake or a whatever-I-was-baking-that-day, and told me that THIS is what I should be doing. I guess I started to realize that baking was something I enjoyed and am good at. Maybe I thought that starting a small business from the ground up with no savings would be fun, and that’d I’d be just fine. I suppose I thought it’d be the next page in my story.

I can’t even begin to sum up what’s ended up happening since I got back from that East Coast trip in June. It’s been amazing. It’s been challenging and eye opening and thrilling and scary and exhausting, but it’s been utterly amazing. I’ve proven to myself that I am brave, I am strong, I am curious, I am smart… and I can operate on a lot less sleep than I ever thought I could.

I recently saw a woman from my restaurant with her daughter who had just completed grad school. I asked the typical question, “What were you studying?” And she gave back an answer I have used so many times.

“Oh, you know. Nothing that will actually get me a job that makes money.” She had just gotten her masters in fashion design.

I found myself reassuring her of all of the things people said to me when I told them I was a music major. What really matters is who you know, how hard you work, and how much you want it.

But I also told her this. Creative people will always be creative people. If the fashion industry wasn’t the thing that worked out for her, she would find a career and a way to live her life that suited her need to create and design. Creative people can’t be boxed into monotony. She was going to find something in some part of her world to work on that would make her heart soar. Fashion industry or not. First job out of school or not. 24 years old or not. No matter where she ended up, she would keep redefining herself and what it is that makes her come alive until the day she dies, so enjoy every second and every chapter of the ride.

I left that table feeling like maybe I was just giving myself the advice. That maybe I had just reassured myself that I am still a musician, but my pastry business is the next phase of how I express myself creatively. Or maybe this is the creativity I’ve been searching for all along. Maybe this is what I was really meant to be in this world. It seems like this chapter of me coming alive just makes sense in so many ways…

It was kind of like I had let the musician me off the hook for a little while – letting her free to simply sing in the car or in the shower. I let her know that I love that part of my soul, but it’s not the thing that makes me soar right now.

2015 has so many exciting things in store. Just in these first few weeks I’ve made huge strides toward expanding my business to the next level. But it’s always nice to take a step back and look at all that you’ve done. It’s nice to revisit old friends and neglected blogs. It’s nice to just sit down and write a little something that maybe a year from now I’ll read and think, “Oh you have NO idea what you’re in for.”

So thank you for having me back. I’ll try not to be a stranger.